You know what they say about professionalism, that you cannot be personal.
The last few months, in fact the whole year I barely blogged, whatever I did write, like updates on my professional life, my new entrepreneurial venture, some of my interviews that got published on other blogs, none of these were really stuff that belonged to here. I mean shut up, this blog was about my personal stories straight from the heart. I have somewhere betrayed my blog because people kept telling me, “No you can’t keep writing about men” that just isn’t professional.
It has been a struggle for me to explain it to a lot of people in my life, exactly why did they give me a TED Fellowship. The answer is this blog and its unapologetic ‘personal’ content.
Personal is powerful. It has strengthen me and now I preach it, personal blogging.
It’s not often that we come across people who we have inspired. Recently, I found this blog post where the author have linked to one of my interview and wrote how reading me has inspired her to blog about the truth of her life. In her closing line she said,
Here’s hoping that we all find the courage to blog about our Truths.
I think I am really lucky that something I did was able to inspire others. Most people spend their whole life making it big in so many ways, career, relationships, wealth and yet mostly they fail to inspire others.
So here’s to coming back to the beginning. No more professional updates, no more political opinions, no more agendas, just plain old truth from my life, my bare soul the nakedness of which, I have been told, inspires and strengthens women. And that’s a feeling I cannot let go no matter how unprofessional I may appear.
Let me first tell you something very depressing. I haven’t had sex in over a year now. Ya, that’s right, one year. I mean what can I say, I haven’t gone out with a man in a long time. No dates, no evening outs, no parties, nothing, absolutely non happening personal life for the past one year. Days and months were spent in commuting home to work and work to home, weekends were passed in watching movies not in a theater but on the computer, listening to music not in a disc but again on the computer. Interactions with people have been less. Though there were those ‘Social Media Baithak’ and the ‘Mumbai Blog Camp’ and yeah I met some really interesting people on both occasion, but once the event is over, there isn’t really much communication with them, certainly not at a personal level.
Basically, at your 30s you don’t get asked out anymore, more so if you are smart and successful. First of all men of your age are already taken, men younger than you are perhaps thinking ‘you’ are already taken or they are so in awe of you that they are intimidated by you. And men much more than your age are just old perverts whose wives don’t sleep with them anymore.
I wonder where does a very busy single woman go to meet men worth dating. Don’t tell me online dating, please.
That said, its not really a big deal. I don’t really miss it that much. At least on a regular day in my waking hours I never miss the presence of either a man or sex in my life. Though I am afraid my soul doesn’t feel the same way about the situation. Sometimes my soul speaks to me through my dreams and tells me how it still is waiting for a closure on so many of my ‘relationships’ with men.
– Dream –
I have met MJ after a long time, we are catching up like old friends, very happily reminiscing our past. I remember in the dream I was thinking I will ask him today, why we never spoke to each other after our long trip.
So I tell him, “I want to ask you something today, and you’ll have to answer honestly.” He said yes, “we will talk, I will be back in a minute after that we will go out for a smoke and will talk.”
– I woke up –
Thus even in my dreams I cannot find the answer. And it made me so sad, not for myself but for my poor soul. Realizing that even though in my consciousness I never really think about him, deep inside my soul is still waiting for an answer, still wondering what happened and I feel so helpless for I cannot do anything to comfort my restless soul. I cannot give her the closure.
There was another dream I saw recently that again made me sad. This one was about my unspoken feelings for a man I have liked for over 15 years now. My feelings for him is very strange. They are not very deep or strong but they have lasted for so long. He is someone I barely know, which is to say I know his name and his face.
– FLASHBACK –
It all started when I was in 9th or 10th standard. We used to live in RK Puram Sector 4 those days. It was the first day of our Durga Puja festival, I had just walked inside the pujo pandal when I this really good looking guy staring at me the way Amisha Patel stared at the second Hrithik doing his trademark moves in Kaho Na Pyaar Hai. He was trying to recall if he has known me from his past life. Since he stared, I stared right back and it went on for a while.
The next day when I was not around, he chatted up with mom. “This guy was asking, “Aunty, your daughter was in Vinay Nagar School? I think I know her. I am from VN,” Mom told me. That explained why he was staring. I had studied in VN for just a year, IIIrd standard and he must have been my senior or something. I didn’t remember him though.
Anyway, something started between us that day. We never stopped looking at each other for the next 4 days of Durga Puja. The starry eyes met again in Kali Puja and then in Saraswati Puja. Next year they met again and so on for several more years to come. We were both kids back then, our puja days were spent in running around the pandal, volunteering for different activities like bhog bitoron, prosad bitaran (distribution of sweets and food). Evenings were spent watching cultural programs and then Bengali classic movies till mid night. But no matter what we did we maintained eye contact. In a pandal meant to accommodate around 250 people at a time we always ensured that we were in each other’s vision. At least I did, and I have a feeling he did too. For example this one time for a minute I saw something obstructing him from my vision, the next minute I saw him having changed his position.
I can tell that far away in a parallel universe we were in love. I even communicated with him at a hypothetical and platonic level.
This one time when he was never available at the pandal, perhaps busy with a new job or visiting his friend, who had by then moved to CR Park I got very upset. So on Navami, that’s the second last day of our 5 days of Durga Puja, in an imaginary world I told him, “enough of pandal hopping now can you please stay around for today” Coincidence or not, he did stay in the pandal that day, all day, without his friends.
– FLASHBACK ENDS –
I last saw him in 2007 Durga Puja and I still feel the same way about him, not an ounce more or less. I look at him and I feel good, its like I just know from a different life that he has a good heart and that feeling is absolutely unmoved by whatever the reality is. I don’t know the real him and I don’t even want to know. He is an idea, an image and I want to keep it that way.
BUT may be that’s not what my soul wants. This year on the first day of the Durga Puja when I was in Jalpaiguri my soul spoke to me through my dream. She wants to find out what could have happened if him and I would have moved beyond just looking, if we would have spoken, if I would have told him what I feel about him.
– Dream –
I dreamt that I am in my 40s, getting married finally. Its a busy day at home which is full of lots of my friends and family members. Amongst them I saw him. We started talking like we know each other. Sister says, wow finally he has acknowledged that he knows us, otherwise he just keep looking and never talks. A lot is going on amidst which I tell him, you know something, I have had a crush on you for the longest time. For so many years I have loved you. He blushed & grew uncomfortable. I was not sure of my marriage anymore now that I have been finally able to tell him how I feel.
– I woke up –
I realized that even though I was so busy with my cousin who I had met after 7-8 years and I was not at all thinking of anybody from the past, in my sub consciousness my soul remembered it was the start of the puja, that time of the year when for so many years I have met him in the puja pandal. Poor soul is so helpless. It is not difficult for me to find him out, I know his friends, I know where he lives. Yet I don’t help and my restless soul which is still searching for its mate, wonders, wanders.
His name is… No I cannot take his name.
And Munish Joshi is the person mentioned earlier, someone I really should have communicated and got a closure on. There, I let it all out on this blog, I owed it to my soul. Really!